Customer: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: ‘Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean “miss”?
C: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We’re closin’ for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Protocol what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Copenhagen Blue…What’s, uh…What’s wrong with it?
C: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
O: No, no, ‘e’s uh, …he’s resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead Protocol when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
O: No, no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable bird, the Copenhagen Blue, innit, eh? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!
C: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
‘Ello, Mister Polly Protocol! I’ve got a lovely fresh climate fund for you if you show…(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything…
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your climate catastrophe alarm call!
(Takes Protocol out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that’s what I call a dead Protocol.
O: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Copenhagen Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That Protocol is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged gala dinner.
O: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for Kyoto.
C: PININ’ for KYOTO?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got ‘im home?
O: The Copenhagen Blue prefers kippin’ on it’s back! Remarkable bird, innit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Protocol when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
O: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that document down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ’em apart with its beak, and VOOM!
C: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this document wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!
O: No no! ‘E’s pining!
C: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This Protocol is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker!
‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PROTOCOL!!
O: Well, I’d better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
C: If you want to get anything done in this world you’ve got to fly around to conferences until you’re blue in the mouth.
O: Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of Protocols.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a Sustainable Development Goal.
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it save the world?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother’s climate conference in Doha, he’ll replace the Protocol for you.
C: Doha, eh? Very well.
Musings on the Kyoto Protocol, with acknowledgements to Monty Python